Not so free after all . . .

I am happy to say that I am DONE with my finals and until next semester, all that school related hoopla. Yes readers, this lucky gal has now been freed to utilize her time as SHE wishes, be it dabbling in artistic endeavors or the more probable past-time, holding long and meaningful conversations with her dog. I should succumb to the utter joy that is idleness, filling my days with brain rotting  television and youtube and junk food, right?

WRONG.

Now it’s crunch time. Now I can’t say that I don’t have time to write or that I’ve been so tired from my work and school related duties that I just–haven’t–been–writing.

Both are legitimate excuses, yes. Now? I’m excuse-less. And I’m fully and painfully aware that with each passing second of my now free time, I am neglecting my craft. How can I improve if I won’t write? And what sort of hypocrite yells at her readers to write ALL the time when she herself hasn’t written anything substantial in oh, maybe three months or so?

To my readers, if any, I’m sorry. My hypocrisy was and is not intentional. Allow me to maybe, perhaps explain some reasons why I haven’t been keeping to pace with my writing.

1. No inspiration and some other fears

I’ve been done with my first novel, technically, for about a year or so now (which does not include all the troubleshooting, editing, revising that accompanies the publishing process and is still ongoing). So according to Steven King, who says you should be able to complete a novel in 3 months, I’m four books behind schedule. Which is extremely disheartening and already makes me extremely ashamed of at least not drafting a couple new ideas by now . . .

.tumblr_miby3yZnew1s1t1xuo1_400

My main and somewhat related point here is that I’m afraid I’ll end up being a one trick pony. Any time I’ve attempted to write something new, I find myself correlating characters or themes from the first novel. “Oh, that’s something Michelle would say” or “Crap, that is too” which slowly devolves into “Why am I even bothering when the first book hasn’t even been released yet?” It’s extremely frustrating to discern what I want to write about, what is important and what needs to be said. I want to make a difference. I want to write something that helps people, that inspires them, that even if they despised the entirety of the novel will find in it some redeemable quality that in some freakin’ way changed their life. I want to my writing to matter. And all I can seem to think about is Paper Hearts: when it’s coming out, what I need to do between now and then, contemplating what needs changing, agonizing over every little paragraph and having pre-publication panic attacks about how awfully/well it will be received.  I shit you not, I am seeing my manuscript in my sleep. I woke up at 2 a.m. a few months ago, remembered one WORD that needed changing, wrote it down before passing back out, and then the next day proceeded to reread the entire 288 pages and fix even more stuff, even though I’d already submitted my edited manuscript.

I just don’t know what to write. And as an aspiring novelist, that is beyond frightening. I want to make a living at this yet I can’t even get past my first book? It’s terrifying and scary and frustrating and upsetting . . . What’s worse is that some of my favorite authors have oh, THIRTY books published and they’re only twice my age! But me? One. Yep, just the one. And at this rate it will remain just the one. How they manage to craft such brilliant prose again and again or how they flesh out a diverse range of characters to such perfection is beyond my small understanding. It’s insane. I don’t know if I have that sort of talent or if I have the propensity to hone such talent.

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

All this hasn’t been for a lack of trying. I’ve been doing any sort of creativity sparking activities that I can think of. I’ve been eavesdropping on people to better my dialogue. I’ve looked up character personality types and have tried to derive some characters from each. I’ve tried to completely dissever any aspect of Paper Hearts in my head from any new or possible projects, whether it be physical appearances or personalities, themes or settings. I’ve been trying and I’ve been failing.

I’ve always been told write what you know. And really, I know nothing. I’m not even legal to drink yet. I haven’t lived a privileged life or even a rich, fulfilled one. I’m not innately brilliant. Whatever I write is work and research and editing and more revising and more research. I wish I could say I was naturally gifted but I’m  not. I hammer out a simple idea from a simple basis because I am a simple person. This pity party isn’t being thrown to annoy you all but hopefully let you understand the immense worry and frustration I’ve been experiencing.

This post was supposed to be happier.

Failed again.

Sincerely,

S.R.Savell

Advertisements

About S.R.Savell

I'm quite boring. I'm also an aspiring novelist. My first book, Paper Hearts, is slated for release by Medallion Press February 1st, 2014. I like long walks to the fridge and my turtle figurine, Milo.

Posted on May 4, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Hehe, don’t worry about it 🙂

    Saw your post on that crazy Chuck Wendig’s blog and wanted to congratulate you! You’re basically an author already and you’re so feaking young. I’m jelly!

    I’ve been wrestling with myself for ages so I know where you’re coming from 😛

    IMO, the best way to come up with an idea is to just slap down whatever you’d a) absolutely love to read at THAT particular moment (whether its steampunk or a swashbuckler or sea lion erotica or whatever — don’t overthink it, trust your ability to take whatever you’ve got and make it compelling) and then work out from there. Then just pick the sorts of characters and problems you’d like to read about and feel out from there. If you’ve got a good grasp of structure (which I’m sure you have) it’ll be fairly easy to sort it all out into something cohesive and great to read.

    Errr… don’t actually write sea lion erotica, though! 😛

    It’s a bit vague but I always find that once I’ve got put some stuff I find cool together my brain takes over. Don’t freak out about being a one trick pony because I’m sure you’ve already got a few ideas bouncing around in your head.

    Gratz again! I really wish I had your discipline 🙂

    PS: Have you heard of Absolute Write? It’s an awesome forum with of published and unpublished peeps who are awesome for bouncing ideas off of. It can be tough to write in a vacuum so you should totally check it out! I’d have gone nuts by now if I hadn’t 🙂

    wwww.absolutwrite.com/forums

    (I sound like a salesman =_=’)

    Best of luck!

  2. Holy crap, my grammar sucks tonight. Derp. In all fairness it’s almost 5AM xD

  3. Dear John,

    Thank you so much for your advice and kind words; I’ve really needed to hear (read?) someone say that who isn’t related or close friends with me lol. I promise to work hard and most importantly, start WRITING again. 😀

    It’s weird that you would mention me having some ideas bouncing around . . . I kinda do but am unsure how to go about approaching them. Time and patience will hopefully work the kinks out. Oh, and me getting off my butt and actually doing something should help too. 🙂

    I still can’t believe I’m getting published either. I’m so lucky and grateful for this one chance, even if it’s my only one ^..^ To be totally cliche, it’s a life dream come true. ^_^

    You said you’re a writer as well. If you don’t mind me asking, what genre do you write in? (I know for sure it’s not sea lion erotica xD)

    And no, I haven’t heard of absolutewrite.com but I’m headed there now. And no worries, you don’t sound (read as?) like a salesman lol.

    Five a.m. is a dark, scary hour when all the grammar skills you were fully capable of using hours ago now fail you at the most odd and random moments XD

    Thank you so much for taking the time to help a sistah out! You’re an awesome opossum 😀

    Sincerely,
    S.R.Savell

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: